The day we have been waiting for is here !! Poor Quinn threw up last night so he really has an empty tummy right now and he can't eat until supper time tonight if all goes well ! He has been asking for food since 7am this morning, and doesn't understand why he can't eat. He is allowed some juice and ice pops until 1030am thank goodness !
I am surprisingly calm, not worried, not even stressed. I guess knowing this is all out of my control also helps even though there is always that little annoying man on my shoulder suggesting I could have prevented this all ( his seizures) and that it was something I did wrong when he was a baby or I was pregnant that is causing all this. Oh the joys of being a mom... Why is it we think we can try to fix anything and blame ourselves for everything.... For all of you that don't know me too well I am the first born child in my family, I have always been very *determined*, like order, like a schedule an like to be stable. Plus I also seem to think I can FIX everything. So this whole month has been a tough month as I feel like I am failing as a parent. I couldn't protect him from this and I can't ease his pain and suffering. I am doing my best to not be *angry*, I say in my head... God , why him... take everything but my kids. I don't care about the house, things... All the matters is my children. Don't mess with my kids is what I am trying to say... So I fight this battle in my head, I am grateful for 2 healthy children ( My girls) but also think why can't I have 3 healthy kids like other people, why me, why us.. go screw around with other people ( yes I know that sounds horrible but it is my honest feelings and I had warned you that you might not all agree with my words and I don't agree with them either but its how I feel ) :). I don't feel that I am per say *better * then other people so don't get my wrong on that . Well I will update you all tonight or tomorrow morning on how things went today. I will take my stack of medical books on seizures and epilepsy to the hospital waiting room with me. I think I will know more then the Dr's after all this... :)
P.s. when I talk about the little man on my shoulder for some reason he is the Koodo man from the tv commericals lol.... For you that don't know google KoodoMobile and you will see the little man with the blue tight suit.
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