Exhaustion....completely draining feeling.... wondering how you are going to get the energy to even breathe, move and make it through another day. I have been experiencing mental and physical exhaustion. I try to take my days just hour by hour since things could change at any moment. Trying to live *normal* for the girls sake and also for Quinn's. Wondering when my brain is going to explode or me fall over from being so tired. Quinn is still on his valproic acid and also the drug keppra. Now we are finding out that the crummy side affect so far of keppra is him waking up at 1am thinking its morning time... apparently it seems to mess with their sleeping time. Most times he is up for good at 3am and then the girls are up for good at 5-6am. Now this makes for LONG days... Plus Quinn doesn\t nap well for me at all ! The phone will ring or something will happen that makes a noise ( girls fighting) and then he is wide awake and no nap. I miss the days of putting him in his room and shutting the door.. but he needs 24/7 someone within arms/sight reach. Now this gets VERY exhausting as you can imagine... simple things like making a pot of coffee in the morning can take 25 mins to get ready to go ! Between chasing Quinn and making sure you are with him and he isn't going to fall is hard to do. Yes I know we can't protect him from every fall but until he gets his seizures under control we need to always be watching him. Good news is he hasn't had a tonic clonic seizure since Friday afternoon ! He is still having up to 30 small seizures a day though.
Brooke has been being her mean self today... she keeps mentioning REALLY loud so Emma can hear that she doesn't love Emma...sigh.... Emma takes this really hard and doesn't understand that Brooke is just being a cow and trying to rile Emma up. Also she has been telling Emma that only herself is beautiful and that Emma isn't..... sigh Yes I refer to my 4.5 going on 16 year old daughter as a cow.... NOW if you met Brooke you might understand lol... since I can't say what she really acts like that ends in a ch if you catch my drift I say cow... That girl can be the sweetest most darling girl in the world and change into the biggest drama Queen ever plus a nasty mean little cow. She is very blunt and has always been that way... she just says what is on her mind without sugar coating it ! She is going to do great things in life as long as she doesn't get herself into to much trouble before then ! Brooke also thinks everyone in this house should serve her every need ! From bringing her snacks, toys and blankets. While she just lays like a princess...oh an then has the nerve to get mad and throw what you brought her if it happens to be the wrong colour ! Oh Brooke... lol... That girl is one feisty little girl ! But I do love her dearly don't get me wrong ;)
So back to exhaustion... Oh how I would love to sleep for a week !! Have my brain take a vacation ! Doesn't help that is has been gloomy rainy and cold for awhile ! That makes a person feel even more blue ! Would love to have a day of * mourning my old life before this all* but I don't have the energy to even think of crying ! When I think back a couple months ago and I thought my life was crazy and hard compare to now... I would do almost anything to have a day back of that *old* life. So once again just hour by hour and day by day... not the way I *planned* my life for sure ! It feels like I am in the prison of hell... yes that is harsh I know... but its the same *torture* everyday... Just barely getting through life an waiting for a seizure to happen all day long and trying to be * normal*. This afternoon I was really struggling with how all my days are the same... just the same barely getting through day. I really wish I could just switch *jobs* with Kevin for a week. It is hard because he gets to leave this all everyday and I get to deal with seizures an getting the kids through the day.
Ok enough of my depressing gloomy blog for today !! ;)
On a lighter note... I have chocolate in my house !
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